2020

May 27, 2021

What a whirlwind the last 14 months have been! I’d like to start this post with gratitude because out of all the adversity 2020 threw my way I somehow dodged the Covid-19 virus. I am so thankful that I didn’t lose anyone because of it, and my heart breaks for those who weren’t as fortunate. Like many people, the pandemic brought on fear, heartbreak, tears, and many endings. And of course it brought a LOT of good things and new beginnings. Ironically in the midst of all of the chaos I got closer to myself than I ever have been before. I often compare 2020 to 2007. Two very challenging years except at 30 I had a way better understanding of grief, anxiety, and myself than I did at 17. But I did the same now as I did then: I just kept moving forward.

I remember when the pandemic started becoming real and scary. Early on I worried about my elderly family members, and I worried that my business would suffer. I had already created my online membership and had virtual clients before the pandemic but I couldn’t see how I could fully run my business from home without losing lots of income. Because personal training is a luxury and people were at risk of losing their jobs, I had lots of anxiety about losing clients. My heart broke as I watched businesses shut down in my own town and across the country. For a hardworking small business owner like myself, the thought of staying in for weeks without work seemed impossible.

But like most people I know, it wasn’t ONLY the fear and uncertainty of the actual virus that shook me up. For one, my grandmother passed away in April and I wasn’t able to say my goodbyes while she was in Hospice. I felt sad for not having spent more time with her at the end of her life. It was also the time we were given to slow down, reflect, and really see things for what they were. We were able to see ourselves and our relationships in such a different light. It brought appreciation to the things that were working, and awareness to the things that weren’t. I started facing insecurities and underlying issues in my relationships which made me feel uncomfortable. I realized there were certain friendships that were no longer serving me while also seeing where I fell short. I noticed that I lacked boundaries which in turn left me extremely hurt. I started feeling burnout from having poor work/life balance and always feeling the need to do more. Truth is, before the pandemic I struggled with so many limiting beliefs about who I was and where I was going. Long after my ballet days I still battled perfectionist thoughts and behaviors. I was constantly criticizing myself for what I thought I hadn’t yet accomplished and would often compare myself to others. I would spend too much time frustrated by things and PEOPLE that I could not control. Add a pandemic to that mix and suddenly all these feelings and traumas were magnified.

In October of 2020 – at almost the peak of my quarantine blues – I began meditating. I took a course to learn about the practice because I had heard so many incredible things. Self care was definitely not new to me at this point as I had been seeing my therapist since 2018 (who is a HUGE blessing in my life). But such a simple practice of stillness forced me to really sit with the fears, sadness, and anxiety I had accumulated over the years. It also gave me a chance to be present and accept things just as they are…which was (and still is) the hard part. Something inside me knew it was time to create space for emotional growth and personal development. Of course, with all of this self-awareness, healing, and mindfulness comes lessons that are painful to swallow. I’m learning that you can make tons of plans for your future but sometimes the universe has other plans for you. Staying detached is a better way to live, because nothing is promised. I’m learning that some people in life won’t accept you for who you are, and that is OK. I’m not for everyone. Sometimes people suck, and you can’t understand why they do the things they do. But that’s OK too. You can love someone with your entire heart and soul yet walking away is still the right answer. We are only human and we all want security, peace, love, and acceptance. But I am truly starting to believe that the right people and experiences will fulfill your needs without question. I learned the hard way that even when someone else isn’t choosing you, always choose yourself.

Silver Linings

During the hardest months of the pandemic I met so many new clients who are still with me today and thriving. I work with so many amazing and kind humans…I really am fortunate. My business did the exact opposite of what I feared and for that I am SO grateful. I have gotten tons of amazing opportunities and I’m beyond motivated to grow and reach new levels. These last 14 months have served as another reminder of how incredibly resilient I am. I have a whole new understanding of my worth that I somehow lost sight of and will no longer settle for what isn’t aligned with who I want to be. I am no longer afraid to openly talk about mental health on my platform and how it’s a HUGE piece of the wellness puzzle. I have never been more excited to help people create a mind-body connection. I met a few new friends who I wouldn’t have met otherwise and have grown to love them as if they were old friends. I was able to get closer to some people I didn’t know as well before. These friends stuck by me on my darkest days and it meant more to me than they know. Having time to nourish relationships that make you feel good is now more important to me. And I can think of a few things I would stress about a year ago that I no longer find important. While there are still some things I am having a hard time understanding, and people who I am trying to forgive, I firmly believe that one day it will all make sense. That, my friends, is called growth!

Lessons For The Future

• Words are meaningless if there’s no action. When someone tells you something, observe their actions instead.
• Strive for progress, not perfection.
• Above all else, be true to yourself and always protect your peace.
• Always believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.
• The opinions of others and how they see you does not define you.
• Trust your intuition. If something feels off, don’t ignore it. If you feel like someone is telling you lies, believe that feeling. Learn to trust your gut even if you’re afraid of what it’s telling you. You’ll probably save yourself some time in the end. 
• Don’t expect honesty from someone who isn’t honest with themselves, even if they do love you. They probably just aren’t capable.
• Good things will always come to those who work hard and do things from the heart.
• Take ownership of your mistakes and never be afraid to apologize. We are constantly growing.
• Instagram is not real life. There’s a reason why they call it a highlight reel, because it’s just that. Don’t believe everything you see on the gram.
• Staying silent is better than responding to hate.
• Detachment. You can hold on so tight and fight hard for something you want but the universe will give you signs if it’s time to let go. A job, a person, an idea, anything.
• Stay focused on your goals. Things will align if they are truly meant for you.
• Set boundaries and stand up for what you believe in.
• Beware of people who demonstrate poor boundaries with toxic loved ones.
• Everything you need is within you.